So I’m finally embarking on studies that I’ve been too anxious to begin until now. I’m distance learning through the Open University – this suits me and my social anxiety down to the ground because I don’t have to deal with people, and moving away, and all of the other things that are less than ideal about going to a traditional uni.
Anyway, I work full time (for now, I’m still not exactly sure what’s going to happen there) and in a moment of inspired madness I decided on the enrolment deadline that I wasn’t satisfied with my one 60-credit social science module. No, I decided, I’m going to add the 60-credit psychology module as well. I’m going to study full time. And work full time.
Something about making a rod for my own back springs to mind, as do thoughts of my aforementioned ‘inner saboteur’.
Except I don’t think I’m actually sabotaging myself this time. I think I really think I can do this. I don’t officially start until October 1st and I’m onto the 5th week of content on the sociology module because I just… study in my own time, on my own terms. I don’t have to wait for a lecturer or for the rest of the class to catch up. I can do as much as I want. Apparently that’s very much, right now, so I’m making the most of my enthusiasm. I can’t start the psych module yet as I signed up late and I need to wait for all the materials to arrive. I keep reminding myself I’m still 2 weeks from technically starting. I need to chill.
But I can’t. Because I’ve finally made the leap and started the studies that I really wanted to do. I’m doing it! By myself, just for me, not because someone else told me to. I’m a degree student. After breaking down and dropping out before I swore I’d never go back to university… but here I am. I have a good feeling about it, this time. I feel functional and smart and like I’m in control of something.
Perhaps this is how I’ll fix myself after all? Well, this and seeing my therapist. I was in a good mood when I saw her this week. The week previous I’d been a complete state – I walked in wordlessly and proceeded to just cry for 10 minutes. When I eventually stopped I just mumbled ‘crazy’ and then continued to cry, while trying to explain between sobs that I felt like I’d lost it, and that ‘even my therapist doesn’t know what to do with me’ because she was just observing me quietly and not telling me to shut up or calm down or any of the things that normally happen, you know? I was very lost, last week.
I’m still fragile and my state can change in a moment – I know that. It’s why I’m determined to make the most of this better period, for however long it lasts. I just hope I can still cope with studying if I get worse again.