I look and feel gross today. I’m in a really shit mood and I’m struggling to see the point in anything. To make matters worse, I went on a few dates with that guy from Tinder and he is somehow absolutely smitten with me even though I’m a mess, and all I really want to do is run away and save him from myself.
He’s so full on and legitimately seems to think I’m The One or something which obviously, obviously means he’s paying no attention to who and how I am. He’s immediately formed some wonderful romantic notion of me and is falling head over heels for that, instead. And then when that illusion shatters, whose fault will it be?
It shouldn’t be, but I know it will somehow be mine. They always blame me for their own ignorance and blindness. Even when I spell it out, even when I tell them my whole sorry history and that I have depression, anxiety and PTSD. It’s like they don’t even listen. Or they half listen, and construct some great story about how brave and courageous I am (when I feel anything but), but how simultaneously fragile I am (…fair comment) and how they can swoop in and help me, save me from my demons (they can’t, and I don’t even want them to – that’s my own responsibility).
I hate dating. But now I feel beholden because he seems so emotionally invested in me and has told everyone else how great I am (but I’m not, and I don’t get why he can’t see that). I don’t want to make him feel bad, or look silly in front of everyone (even though silly is precisely what he’s being right now). This is a familiar trend, as well. I end up dating these people for a few months out of a sense of obligation, disguised as trying to make it work… until I’ve given it a good enough go or can no longer veil my disinterest, whichever happens first, I suppose.
I can’t do this.