My mum cried again today. She’s very poor at hiding her emotions, but usually manages not to cry. Her side of the family is in crisis because her mum (my gran) is dying. Her cancer came back and it’s very aggressive, and triple negative (so it’s really hard to treat). Mum reckons she has a few months. Her family all seem to look to her for answers, comfort, some kind of miracle, who even knows. She likes to bear the weight of the world on her shoulders and act like she’s really strong and has her sh*t together when really she’s even more neurotic than I am.
Her whole family seem pretty childlike, self-centred and completely consumed by their own emotions in the face of a disaster. They’re irrational (/blindly panicking) and inflicting themselves on my mum who in turn cries on me because she’s not sure what she’s supposed to do. I try to tell her she’s not ‘supposed’ to do anything, and that she should lay down boundaries rather than let them all push her to breaking point.
I’m over here struggling with my ‘do not exist’ injunction, anxiety, depression, PTSD apparently, probably some lowkey avoidant personality disorder… while also trying to mother my mother, who also reverts to a child when stressed and just cries in frustration at the fact that she’s ‘a fixer’ but there’s obviously no fix to terminal cancer.
Also I went to see the occupational health doctor yesterday and got told I’m medically unfit for my job on mental health grounds and had to be immediately redeployed and I’m just… reeling from how sudden it is after being in the same place for over a year (it’s the longest I’ve ever been in one job) and I know I needed to get out but at the same time I didn’t really feel ready and I just. I don’t know. I feel so lost and shaken up by everything.
On top of all of that, I’m meant to meet this guy tomorrow and maybe it’ll go well and I’ll actually feel a little better for it but I’m worried that I’m just not going to be very good company because I’ve got so much going on and impressing some guy I just met is right at the bottom of my priority list right now. Ugh. Dying alone would be way, way easier.