Hello, Internet Stranger

Thank you for stopping by. I hope that you’re well, and that if you’re not… that you’re managing to be kind to yourself in the meantime. I’m here trying to be well, in whatever way I can. Whatever that means. I don’t really know.

I’ll just summarise my history very briefly, so that you know where I’m coming from. I have suffered from mental health issues for most of my life. I learned fear and avoidance at an early age and shut myself off from people. I’ve always been pretty highly functioning, so people would generally just assume I was just very shy, quirky, lazy, apathetic, whatever. I was bullied, I was depressed, I was disturbed, I had issues with intimacy and trust. I learned to depend on myself and not to reach out for others, which worked until I got really lonely (and subsequently much more depressed).

I reached adulthood and fell into a psychologically abusive relationship, I miscarried, I had a breakdown, I got raped (on my birthday, of all the days), I was suicidal. I picked up the pieces somewhat and am back to being pretty functional but still not really feeling okay, you know? And more recently, as I encountered more and more days where I felt extremely far from ‘okay’ and dangerously close to ‘falling over the edge of the cliff separating me from insanity’ I decided that perhaps I should seek help.

I’d started to think that perhaps ‘just about surviving’, that perhaps ‘just giving the illusion of coping’ wasn’t all I could achieve. That maybe I could actually reach a point where I feel like I’m… ‘normal’? My therapist dislikes that word and tells me that I use it too much. I’ve long been plagued by this idea that even though intellectually I know that ‘normal’ is nonsense and doesn’t exist in any meaningful sense, that I’m still not it. Whatever it is. That I will never be, and (in my lower moments) that this means I shouldn’t inflict myself on anyone who is.

I’m working on it.

Anyway. It’s nice to meet you. I’ll be venting thoughts and feelings, relaying important parts of therapy sessions, and just whatever else comes up I guess. Maybe some of it will be useful to you. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

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